This is a topic that actually came to me personally a little over one year ago. Before I start this post I know there are people that don’t believe in sex prior to marriage for either religious or cultural reasons. However, this is a post about the average Joe and Jane in America that may or may not have had a sexual relationship in the past with other partners.
A year ago I met someone with whom I deeply connected. She was a lovely woman in her mid 30s. I was in my mid 40s. So, we were about 10 years apart. When we met and went out for the first time we became very connected to each other. We both agreed to be very open in our communication with each other and not hold anything back. After our first couple of dates I knew she could be the woman I could spend the rest of my life with. Now mind you I am not going to say we became engaged after two dates, but we did agree to become mutually exclusive to each other (i.e., you may call it boyfriend and girlfriend).
There was one caveat to the relationship. She is Greek Orthodox and I was raised Baptist (that doesn’t really mean anything in this context, though) and started going to a Unity church in high school (also doesn’t really matter here). In her religion they don’t believe in sex before marriage. Now this lady was engaged once in the past and did have sexual relations with that man yet they ended up not getting married.
Thus, when I chose into dating this woman I also had to choose into a non-sexual relationship until after we would be married. I have mentioned the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman in an earlier blog. One of the other love languages is physical touch. I am a very physical touch person. If we could cuddle on the couch while watching a movie or going to sleep together I am 150% in. I am the huggy type of person (read the previous blog on that one). Now I am not saying there couldn’t be hugging or kissing with this person. We were intimate, just not in a sexual way.
So I chose into the relationship. My question to you, especially as a man, would you date someone that you really liked even though there would be 0% chance of sex until your wedding night. How many women out there that are sexually active that would chose into a man with the same restrictions (and assume you are the type of person that feels love through physical touch).
I must say it was a difficult choice to make. When I tell many of my companions (both men and women) on this they laugh as to why would I make that kind of choice. It could be years before we actually tie the knot, and that assumes that the knot is getting tied in the first place.
I had to think long and hard about this yet felt she could be the one. I thought if she is the woman that I will spend the rest of my life with then waiting is going to be okay because when it did happen it would be with her my life long companion and partner.
As it so happened we had a difference of opinion on some other matters and our relationship ended about 11:30 PM on Dec. 31. Yep, that one ended just minutes away from the New Year.
I think about the two and a half months we dated. She was one terrific woman. I know she will be a part of my heart until the end of my days. I do wonder, though, that if we were still together and brought in the New Year together where would we be this day (getting close to wrapping up this year).
Would we be together and thus this blog or site would never have been created? Would we be happily married by now eloping or having some huge Greek Orthodox wedding? I do wonder. I chose into a non-sexual relationship fully committed to her and respecting her belief systems. My question now becomes how many men out there that would chose into that same relationship with her. Will she find the man of her dreams? Is today’s society, especially in America, where there is so much emphasis on sex that she may have to change her habits or could possibly never marry.
Who know!?! It was a choice I willingly made. With someone like her, I would probably do it again. I know how much intimacy can mean to me especially with physical touch being my primary love language. And is non-sexual intimacy enough. I may never know. I just wanted to share.
Much love to all of you,
Kevin A Dunlap
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